Intro To Anthropology

ANT 2000, Intro to Anthropology, Weeks 5-6, Spring 2004

Negative Love Syndrome

Case: Negative Love Syndrome and the American family unit.

Question: Why do children emulate their parents’ negative and self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors?

Researcher: Robert Hoffman

The family is a key unit of analysis in anthropology.

Animal researchers, psychological anthropologists, and psychologists have long been aware that animals and people mimic the behavior of their parents. It’s easy to understand why we, as children, would emulate the positive behaviors of our parents – but why would we emulate negative behaviors?

Robert Hoffman felt compelled to address this issue, and the culmination of his research can be found in his book, No One is to Blame. Hoffman’s answer to this question is found in the theory of the Negative Love Syndrome (NLS).

Hoffman defines NLS as “the adoption of negative beliefs and behaviors from one or both parents, or surrogate parents.” Hoffman asserts that the Negative Love Syndrome is humanity’s most crippling emotional disease, passed on from generation to generation.

Hoffman argues that, “As children we adopt our parents patterns out of Negative Love (1) so as not to outdo our parents, hoping that they will accept and love us, and (2) on a subconscious level, in order to punish them out of vindictiveness.”

There are three possible responses to NLS:

1). Adoption: In taking on a parent’s NLS, the child is implicitly saying, “Look, I behave the same way you do…will you love and accept me now?” Or, “Will you love me now, if I am just like you. The person who adopts NLS will: (a) give NLS to themselves; (b) give NLS to others; and (c) set up others to give NLS to them. (Refer to example of Brenda and Eddy).

2). Rebellion: The child may rebel against those who passed NLS on to them (their parents or guardians). They are unconsciously trying to punish the parent, out of vindictiveness, for not receiving the parents’ consistent love and acceptance. They may spend their lives rebelling and trying to punish their parents, which means that they are still living in reaction to NLS.

3). Transcendence: The child may be “invulnerable” to NLS, or may find a way to transcend it through a psychodynamic process.

Once we are aware of the theory of the Negative Love Syndrome, it is not difficult to find examples of NLS at work in society and popular culture. Look at the cases Ted Bundy, Gary Hart, Bill Clinton, Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley, just to name a few. Obviously, intelligence or fame alone does not enable a person to avoid the consequences of NLS. Or, as the saying goes, “The intellect is simply a wave on the ocean of the emotion.”

We can also find examples of the NLS in the arts, in novels (Prince of Tides), in music

(Pink Floyd’s The Wall and Harry Chapin’s Cat’s in the Cradle) and in poetry (Herman Hesse’s Im Nebel).

At the risk of oversimplification, people possessing NLS will generally exhibit one of three personality styles:

1). Hostile – the sufferer consistently acts out in an unusually hostile manner. They are aggressive, argumentative and often violent.

2). Zombie – this describe the person who seems to have “shut down”. They seem emotionally dead or unresponsive.

3). Happy Face – the sufferer may adopt a “happy face” personality to mask the effects of NLS. They always seem happy and smiling.

Use the anthropological perspective to discover several examples of NLS in the film and rock video The Wall, we see scenes where:

1). The little boy is shunned by the man in the park.

2). His father has obviously died in the war, and this is construed by children as abandonment.

3). His mother is very cold.

4). The teacher humiliates him in class.

5). The teacher inflicts corporal punishment on him.

6). As an adult, he has obviously found a girlfriend whom he treats coldly, and who in turn will treat him coldly, just as his mother did.

7). He is obviously displaying the zombie personality type.

Can Negative Love Syndrome be transcended? Hoffman’s answer is “Yes.”

According to Robert Hoffman, these are the essential steps for transcending the Negative Love Syndrome:

1. Awareness. The first step is awareness. You must become aware that there is a problem.

2. Commitment. The second step involves making a commitment to do something about it. This may be the most difficult part.

3. Prosecution. The next step is prosecution of the parents. A catharsis needs to take place in a safe emotion place, where you see that your parents (or guardians) passed Negative Love Syndrome on to you and emotionally discharge your feelings toward them.

4. Compassion. The fourth step is to develop and express feelings of compassion towards your parents. You will need to come to a compassionate understanding that your grandparents, in turn, passed NLS on to your parents.

5. Recycling. The fifth step is to recycle NLS. This step calls for conscious replacing of the negative feelings and behaviors of NLS with positive ones.

6. New Self. The last step towards transcending Negative Love Syndrome is the integration of, and acceptance of, the new self.

Applications:

A. Research Careers:

Psychological Anthropology
Psychology and Psychoanalysis
Child and Human Development

B. Therapy and Mental Health:

Psychotherapy – M.A. degree in Psychology, Counseling Psychology, or Marriage and Family Counseling (at FIU, see M.A. and M.S. programs in the School of Social Work, School of Education, and the Department of Psychology).