To counter Life's Little Destructions (and also as part of my sentence as
determined by a court of law) I have decided to put in several public
service messages as to benefit the society in which I live, work, and
play. Please understand that these announcements are not my own, but that
I am merely using my homepage as a forum for them to be heard. And
now, Late Night W/ Conan O'Brien's PSA's!...
"PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS"
CONAN:
It's Important to have fun on New Year's Eve. But, have fun
within reason. Getting drunk is fine. Getting drunk & insulting people
is fine. Getting drunk, insulting people & then hurting them, that's all
fine. But, when you yourself end up in the hospital, well that costs the
taxpayers some money. So, remember that this New Year's Eve. Deal?
ANDY:
Christmas morning, your son gave you a tie. It was the
ugliest tie in the world. But, that's OK. All that matters is that he
loves you. He asks you to wear it to work, but you said, 'No.' You'd be
too embarrassed. And your son cried. He cried & cried & cried. 'Why
wouldn't you wear the tie, Daddy? Why wouldn't you wear it? I love you
so much. Why wouldn't you wear it?'"
MAX:
Repeat after me... This New Year's,
I resolve,
Not to cheat on my wife,
With my secretary,
Or any of her friends,
No matter how young & perky,
Their breasts may be.
It's worth a shot!"
12/27/96, #702
CONAN:
Nothing brightens a child's face on Christmas morning like a
brand new puppy. But, parents remember... A puppy isn't just a one day
commitment. Depending on how much you child loves the dog, it could be 3
or 4 days before you are able to convince them to take it to the pound.
and that's a long time."
ANDY:
For most people the holidays are a time of togetherness &
family. But for those who are alone & isolated it can be an extremely
depressing time of year. So, if you know anyone who is an outcast or
shut-in, be sure you don't visit them around Christmas time. After all,
you don't want to be the one to discover the body."
MAX:
You know, I've found out that reindeer will lick just about
anything you put in front of them.
12/13/96, #696
CONAN:
It's Thanxgiving Weekend. It's your first time home from
college & you already know you're flunking out. You want to confide in
your parents. Well, don't. Bluff your way through the weekend & get back
to school as fast as you can. Because you've got a lot of partying to
do."
ANDY:
Hey, Grandma! Listen up. Everyone hates your pearl onions &
cream sauce. So just show up, shut up & eat. And be grateful you were
invited!"
MAX:
Hey, while you're in a cozy house enjoying a nice Thanxgiving
dinner with you family, keep one thing in mind. There are people out
there in the freezing cold working all night long. Hookers. Go get
'em!"
11/27/96, #690
CONAN:
You're injured @ home & you need emergency medical help
fast. How quickly can paramedics get to you? Well there's only one way
to find out. Call 911 & report an emergency. Then time them & see how
long it takes them to respond. When they do arrive make sure you hide
outside or in a closet. They'll be pretty mad but @ least you've gotten
what you need: peace of mind.
ANDY:
There's nothing more annoying than cigar smoke. It's foul,
it reeks, & it can clear a room. Remember that next time you're on a
crowded train.
MAX:
Alimony, schmalimony. I ain't paying!
11/13/96, #682
CONAN:
It's three in the morning. Your term paper is due in six
hours, & you haven't even started doing the reading for it yet. How are
you going to get that A? Easy. It's called bribery. So hit the cash
machine, then get a good night's sleep. Because the world doesn't need
another term paper. But, your professor could use a new stereo.
ANDY:
Your folks don't understand you. They don't ever let you do
what you want, & it's getting worse all the time. Well, there is a
solution. Run Away. You can go wherever you want to go, do whatever you
want to do. Because the bottom line is - It's your life. Don't let it be
ruined by a couple of middle-aged squares.
MAX:
There is nothing more unpredictable than an elevator. One
minute you got total privacy, the next you are surrounded by strangers.
So play it safe. Hit the emergency stop, THEN scratch your privates.
You'll be glad you did.
8/9/96, #633
CONAN:
You wake up in the middle of the night. It's strangely hot.
And the room is filling with smoke. What do you do? Panic. Run around
screaming for a while, then jump out the window. It may save your
life.
ANDY:
Smoking is bad. It's dangerous. It's stupid. The papers
will tell you that every day. But the papers also tell you what your
horoscope is. Think about it.
MAX:
Hey guys. Putting pressure on your girlfriend to have sex
isn't cool. She'll let you know. In the meantime, sleep with her
roommate.
7/10/96, #623
CONAN:
Keeping the safety on a gun may mean it won't fire. Always
keep it cocked & ready.
ANDY:
Leave celebrities alone. They don't like your stupid, nerdy
questions.
MAX:
Always keep scissors in your back pocket for those hard to
remove bras.
4/26/96, #585
CONAN:
When you get your Jury summons in the mail, don't throw it
out. Stamp deceased on it because Jury Duty is for Nerds.
ANDY:
Having trouble in school? Maybe you're just not very smart.
Why not drop out or go into Interstate trucking, because right now you're
just plain embarrassing yourself.
MAX:
Kids don't hate naturally, they have to be taught. So start
early.
4/18/96, #580
CONAN:
No one loves their grandparents, they're slow, they're
annoying, but when they die, they could leave you money, so be nice to
them.
ANDY:
When it comes right down to it, nuns are just people, &
throwing rocks hurts people, so just do the math.
MAX:
Late night @ the office, when you wish your wife or girlfriend
were there & you're boffing the cleaning woman instead, remember to watch
out for the security camera. You'll be glad you did.
4/2/96, #570
CONAN:
If someone is picking on you & you're thinking of getting
into a fight, don't. But if you do, use a stick or a board & try & hit
them when they're not looking. Or, if they're asleep, even better.
ANDY:
Hey, if you're a TV sidekick & someone touches you a way you
don't like, tell your host, & if your host won't listen, tell your band
leader. Just tell someone.
MAX:
Hey, when you're out there having fun, remember, hookers are
people too. Say thank you when you're done.
CARL "OLDY" OLSEN:
{COUGHING} Don't get
old.
2/2/96, #541
ANDY:
If you're a talk show sidekick, & you don't like what a guest
is saying: play it safe. Wait until they're not looking & spit in their
mug. You'll be glad you did.
SOURCE: Late Night With Conan O'Brien, NBC
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Last Update: 3/5/97