V. Developing Communication Skills
A.
4 styles of miscommunication in Virginia Satir’s (1988)
Peoplemaking:
1. Placaters: always agreeable;passive;act helpless;no one knows what want or feel
2. Blamers: act superior;bodies tense,often angry;gesture by pointing;hide feel weak
3. Computers: don’t show feelings(considered dangerous); tonelessly say things
4. distractors: frenetic;feel lonely,out of place;avoid talk of relevant feelings;flit
B.
John Gottman’s 5 reactions to conflict: signs
divorce risk: contempt, criticism,
stonewalling
(resisting a partner’s complaint), belligerence (defiant challenge)
C.
Too much openness?
Studies show linear model(>disclose,>happiness), no curve
D.
Trust:believe reliability/integrity of person;dep
on predictable person w/options
E.Need feedback to
self-disclosure:silence is neg response;best say is valid; focus on:
1. “I” statements:eg “I feel”;blaming&accusatory “you” statements make defensive
2. behavior not person: eg not “you are a slob” but “I would like you to clean. . .”
3. feedback on observations not inferences/judgments: eg avoid “You don’t care”
4. avoiding saying person always does objectionable thing: use continuum
5. feedback sharing ideas or offering altneratives: not giving advice or being told
6. feedback valuable to recipient:eg express hurt & find out why;don’t express rage
7. bite-size feedback: not overload/overwhelm since all may not be comprehended
8. right time/place for feedback: not when can be interrupted
A.Male dominance:Colossians 3:18-19:Wives, submit yourselves unto your husbands
B.U.S. law&male dom:some states if wife no follow husband who moves,seen deserter
C. principle of least interest: Willard Waller (Waller and Hill 1951) coined phrase;
Partner with the least interest in continuing a relationship has most power in it.
D.Resource theory of power:share resources increase wife power;no explain hus w/<$
E. Genuine
Intimacy:seems require equality in power rel;caring,respect in happy mar
VII. Intimacy and Conflict:not conflict itself dangerous to intimacy,but manner handled
A. Basic
conflict:challenge fundamental assumptions/rules in relationship;threaten
end
A. Mace’s (1980) Love-Anger Cycle: when couple too close,have conflict;recoil
angry since intimacy disrupted; back off &then move closer again until fight; finally,
each learns what can be revealed about self; compromise closeness
B.Anger Resolution:what’s important is find source&solve;not suppress/express
C. communication strategy happy couples: (1) each summarizes in own words
what other said (2) each affirms (validates) other’s feelings (I understand how you feel),
(3)each clarifies (ask for>info) to understand fully(“explain what you mean)
D. Issues of most conflicts: communication, children, sex, money, personality differences,
how to spend leisure time, in-laws, infidelity, housework